Having read your essay, I realized that you had done a good job in analyzing and explaining about the topic of the essay. However, Leila, there are some details that are not explained, and I strongly think I should help you correct these details. In fact, we are going to start analyzing your essay from the first paragraph to the last. I would conclude that your job so far is great but still, needs some finesse to be done to it.
When the topic of your essay is a question which needs to be answered, you should always make sure that you provide extensive details about the topic and ensure that question is fully answered. In your case the topic is; do we need to dismantle the current social system to obtain true gender equality? Well from the subsequent paragraphs I can see that you have attempted to establish the connection between the current social systems and the gender equality issue. You have gone ahead to explain the individual situations of both men and women in the current social systems and this statement .men may be above women in some respects, however, in some cases, they are considered equally unlucky as women. Relates extensively with the topic in hand. However, I feel that your essay has been more of informative rather than argumentative. You have not established an argument that someone might disagree with. To make your essay more arguable, you should ensure that you do not take a side on your essay, leave a space for an argument in your reader's mind and most importantly dont be straight forward with the facts. For example in your second paragraph, where you have written about the period that people have to work. You have explained extensively how limited rest time affects peoples work rate and peoples life in general. In this paragraph, you have stated your position on how limited rest time affects people from all genders, but you should also realize that there are people perhaps from a particular gender who are not affected by this matter. Therefore, I feel that you should have at least added a statement that adds more flexibility to this paragraph. For instance, you could have written: some occupations do not have adequate rest time, and this affects both men and women. However, this situation might not affect everyone.
The most notable enthymeme I came across in your essay is I believe that the current social system needs major reworking to accommodate true gender equality because I do not believe that the current system can support true gender equality. This enthymeme simply summarizes the whole essay due to its clarity and most importantly its relevance to the topic in question. To make this enthymeme more clear and efficient, you should have ensured that you have written it as a precise and objective statement. It should have resembled something like this current social systems cannot accommodate true gender equality because it does not have the ability to support it. I can realize that in the third paragraph of your essay you have attempted to explain the question why women should be given equal opportunity to the men in the workplaces. You have even gone ahead to write that equality between genders among position holdings would likely lead to an equal representation of men and women both in leadership and in the regular workforce. Honestly, this statement is quite convincing. However, I feel that you should have added a little bit more evidence on why women should be given the same opportunity as men in the workplace. For instance, you could have added that Women have the same qualities as men and sometimes they even perform better than men, so I dont see any reason why they should not be given the same opportunities in workplaces as men. Furthermore, I some details are that you have done a good job in incorporating relevant quotations from other sources in your essay. Your quotations are clear, and they support your ideas appropriately. In the second paragraph, you quoted Dorments work, particularly where he explains that whatever it takes to contribute their fair share at home and work this quote has been well utilized and it supports your ideas appropriately. However, I feel that you should have added another quotation just before you quoted Dorments work, this could have added more relevance to your ideas. For instance, you could have quoted Dorments wife, the exponent on this and then relate it to Dorments ideas.
In the third paragraph, you have stated that gender equality in workplaces would start a chain of events that could go all the way from formal social equality in the workplace to informal social equality in the neighborhoods. Your critics would argue that they are no supporting evidence to show that gender equality in the work place is likely to affect gender equality in the neighborhoods. Therefore, you should make a clear distinction and highlight the impacts of gender equality in the workplace and how it would affect the gender equality in neighborhoods and incorporate some case studies. This statement should have been written like this gender equality in workplaces is likely to start a chain of events which is likely to influence the gender equality even in the neighborhoods.
Your topic sentences are great, but there are some which need to be revised. Some of them act like summaries of your paragraphs, and some do not. I am impressed with the topic sentence of the third paragraph On top of rebalancing home and work life, other points have taken into revision within workplace; power structures, responsibility and positions It summarizes the third paragraph in a very objective manner. I would suggest that you changed the topic sentence of the second paragraph Most people of working age go to work, ranging from anywhere from one to seven days a week into Time is a crucial aspect of human lives, especially with people of working age.
Your essay sounds academic and conversational. These kinds of essays are my personal favorites. I have not noticed any recurring grammatical structures, and you have done a good job in ensuring your essay is clear and fluent. The fourth paragraph is the most operative paragraph of them all since you have used an illustration to explain your ideas appropriately and it has worked well. The least effective one is the second paragraph, I feel like it is quite irrelevant and you should just cut it out. Also, in the second paragraph, I see that you have focused on too many ideas about time, and how it affects people from different genders. I recommend you just focus on why both men and women cant have it all. Good job with your citations, you might want to add the years in which your sources were published.
Yours sincerely, Ivano.
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