Three Tips to Make Your Date Truly Memorable

Brain scientists and positivity gurus are telling us we only remember things that happened to us while we were in a highly elevated mood. Positive vibes are supposed to help us memorize things better. We pretend to believe them and nod our heads to the sound of that all-knowing, drowsy voice streaming peacefully from our headphones. But let's be honest: all those vanilla days when everything seemed to be "just fine" have long faded from your memory. Where are all those perfect green lawns, golden retrievers, and toothpaste-add-happy faces? But for some reason, you can still recall the confusion of your first awkward flirting with that neighbor you would not even look at today and the embarrassment of drinking too much at that foolish party when all of a sudden you spotted your ex gawking at you while you were performing your most spectacular Gangnam style dance. How do I know? I've been there too.

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The dates I remember best are, ironically, my worst. But wait, are they? The story of my insanely cool (as I then thought) gothic outlook that scared the wits out of my erstwhile admirer who was lurking beside my car to surprise me with a bunch of flowers is one of my all-time favorites. The picnic when I was gesticulating like an Italian mother-of-seven and smeared my companion with ketchup dripping from my hotdog was not that bad until I tried to lick it off in the best traditions of cheap chick-flick movies. I never saw the poor thing again anyway, so, why bother? In short, I have experience in the field. I made some of the funniest memories in my life acting foolishly in front of people I fancied.

I bet, by this time you have already started wondering how this short anthology of silliness relates to your life. It is not that you have never made yourself a laughing stock in the eyes of somebody you liked, but how can these miserable memories make you a happier human being? The answer is simple: they cannot. They cannot make you happier until you cease wearing them upon your chest like a scarlet letter of shame, until you accept the fact that these awkward moments are part of your charisma. After all, it is like making mistakes when speaking a new language: the foreigners will deem them sweet as long as you are making an effort for them. Surely, I do not mean the Asian cultures where you can easily make arch-enemies that will chase you with their supersharp shining swords for only mixing up a couple of sounds. But you get my point, right? Nobody is perfect, except for Beyonce, but are you that sure she is really human? If you are not Beyonce, and there is a very good chance you are not, but even if you are (and, yes, we have all seen "The Best Thing I Never Had"), please, stop crucifying yourself for all those ridiculous memories which pop up like an evil Justin-Bieber-faced Jack-in-the-box whenever you see THAT person or are in THAT place. Learning to laugh at yourself is always a good idea, unless this gets out of control, of course. Nobody likes people that keep laughing at their own jokes. Embrace yourself - just the way you are. It is not that you have to stop dieting, exercising and putting on tons of makeup, you've got all the spiritual teachers to tell you that. I am just trying to say that your worst memories might one day turn out to be your best ones, the ones that define your fragile and vulnerable, but also funny and charming human side.

If your worst days are truly as precious as I argue they are, why not learn to make them as memorable as possible? Believe me, it won't take as much time and effort as all those glamourous magazine tips on making your butt hard as stone while eating nothing but petunia leaves or becoming a sex guru in five easy steps that can be actually accomplished only by an experienced acrobat of proper Indian descent. Let's start with dates: bees do it, birds do, don't they? Why don't we do it? Here are my 10 handpicked tips on how to make your dates truly memorable:

1. Always dress properly! Fancy clothes only! Never make a compromise with the weather. Jackets, hats, warm trousers, gloves and scarves of all shades and colors are for sissy losers. With wet hair sticking to your Rudolf-red shiny nose and a jumpy gait of a half-frozen monkey you'd certainly look more endearing. And when you start sneezing your date will have a chance to prove how much they love you by keeping the tissues coming and disposing of the used ones with as much elegance as possible. After all, you are not looking for some mollycoddle afraid of a good sneeze. Your partner has to be ready to go through fire and water with you, don't you think so? Why not start with water?

2. Once you are done with water, proceed to fire. Candles, fireplaces, and bonfires of all types will do the trick. Turning your date into a burning bush will certainly be memorable and spectacular. You do not want your relationship to be boring, do you? The fire has always been a symbol of passion! And it also gives you an opportunity to distinguish yourself by playing a heroic firefighter and quenching the fire with whatever you've got at hand. Do not worry if clothes and furniture end up damaged or destroyed - being heroic has its price. Can you picture the Wonderwoman care for a shattered flower vase? Does the Black Panther strike you as someone too anxious not to spoil the tablecloth? Don't let your petty fears stand in the way of true love!

3. Be unpredictable, instead of booking a table for two at a fancy restaurant (it is just so ordinary, who would want that?), take your date to meet your family. Don't you want to get to know each other better? After your father's inquiries about the income level, mobile and immobile property, overall health and your mother's polite attention to every little detail of your future wedding ceremony and subsequent family life there will be no more white spots on your relationship's romantic map. There's more to come. An evening at your parents' house would certainly be cheaper and you need to save money for sending to college the eight sweet grandchildren your mother is so eager to play with - once or twice a month, of course, she'd have a life of her own - yet, even at that age! She's given you her best years, don't forget that!

By following these simple tips you'll be able to make as many awkward memories as you want to. But, please, remember that your date might be as addicted to reading silly know-it-all articles as you are - and you never know what to expect from these armchair quarterback authors. And, one last thing, whatever happens, just be yourself and do not mention you've read this!