Paper Example on Letter Writing Needs Improvement: How Malaria Causes Unemployment

Introduction

The approach that the writer of the letter has used in writing the letter needs some improvements. The message could have started with an introduction. The introduction statement helps to let the reader able to know who is addressing him or her. The writer should, therefore, have started telling the author the name and the position they occupy. Secondly, the writer did quantify how the effect of malaria is unemployment. After saying that disease causes unemployment among citizens, the next thing could have been to prove the point. After giving a point in the letter, it is essential to support it before raising another one. The writer provides a point on poverty and education as causes of the spread of malaria but does not support his point. The letter says Ecuador requires a child not to go to school but does not clarify the position.

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Was the request written and easy to understand? Explain.

The writer tried to make the letter to be clear and easy to understand. However, there is a need to make the message more clear. The writer needs to make the points more precise and prove each point independently. For instance, the writer could have addressed the effects of malaria differently from the causes of the threat. The writer could have first expounded on the point where the letter shows the numbers of cases of people infected with malaria. After presenting, it would be the right time to bring the point of poverty. The message could have become more precise if the writer chose to explain how poverty makes the country unable to combat malaria.

How did the argument/information support the requested amount?

The argument in the letter supported the requested amount of financial aid. However, there is a need to support the explanation further. The writer needs to make the issue of the inability by the country to be able to fight malaria as a disease successfully. There is a need to explain the economic status of the country well. The write needs to picture out the extent to which the country has fought the disease. The writer should also have outlined the challenges that the country experienced in the endeavors. Therefore, there is a need for the writer to show how money the state could afford. Additionally, the letter should explain how they spent the money. After outlining the income and expenditure status of the country, the writer then should have mentioned the amount that they would wish to get.

How clear was the flow and organization of the letter?

The writer of the letter needs to work on making the letter have a better flow. The issues that the writer addressed are not well laid out in the message. Although the letter puts the point clear that the country needs financial support to fight the spread and impact of malaria, the author did not arrange the points in the message well. The writer needs to talk about one point at a time and ensure that they cover each point fully. Organizing the letter into points and making each point independent will make the letter to become more apparent.

Did the facts and assumptions make sense? Explain.

The fact that the letter makes a great sense. Developing countries are indeed unable to fight the spread of malaria and other diseases single-handed. The writer lays out the data on the number of people infected with malaria in the year 2017. the letter also makes it clear that even though it is true that the number of deaths from malaria has reduced, the disease remains a killer and dangerous illness. In the letter, however, the writer did not make a clear reflection of the effect of education and poverty. The message should clearly show how the two impact on the disease. In the letter, the author talks of children loitering in markets to look for food; however, it is clear that the writer went out of the topic.

Did the writer support the facts adequately? Explain.

The writer did not support the points that they wrote in the letter adequately. Although the message argues on facts from researches that different people contacted, the author did not fully support the claims adequately. In the letter, some points stand without supporting evidence. The writer has not clearly explained the inability of low-income families to cater for medical care of themselves and those of their children. The writer has also mentioned about the gap between the rich and the poor. However, the letter has not portrayed the impact of income disparity on the problem of malaria and other diseases. The message can become more transparent by adequately supporting each point.

How could the letter have been approved? Describe and use track changes.

The letter could have become easy to approve if the writer made it to be more convincing. To make the message more compelling, the writer could have used more broad and relevant facts and figures. In every point that the writer made, there should have been a piece of supporting evidence and where possible use of statistics to convince the NGO to approve the requested aid. The writer also needed to make the letter to be more organized. The author needed to have an excellent flow of ideas. The message also could have become more likely to be approved if the author made it to become more official. To achieve a formal impression, the author could have adhered to the format strictly. The letter should also be straightforward to understand and clear.

Below is the corrected letter

October 7, 2020 Boston College Mantle E 429 Newton, Mass 02467, Dear Ms. Phillips:

I am XXXXX, working with the ministry of health in controlling and treatment of diseases. The purpose of this letter is to request the necessary resources addressing the health concern of malaria in Ecuador. Since 2014 we have seen a noticeable decrease in cases of malaria. However, the disease is still considered a problem today (Saenz et al., 2017). With the 567 reported cases in 2017, the problem seems to originate with individuals who suffer from poverty. The poor citizens are unable to pay for diagnosis and treatment.

Ecuador's socio-economic realities continue to become an issue steadily, and for many, the unemployment rates seem to climb. With the focus of malaria as a concern, research shows that education and poverty are the reasons for many health issues (Office of Disease Prevention and Health Promotion, 2019). Today, Ecuador does not require a child to attend school, unlike in America. More and more children are on the streets laboring for food, rather than attending class. However, the scenario is much different for those above the poverty line. It can send their children to private schools, where they are receiving a better education while also able to afford private health care. Individuals who are poorly educated are the ones having the most problems finding employment.

The inability to find or even hold a job creates financial instability and contributes to inadequate healthcare. With inadequate healthcare, we see the rise of diseases like malaria and other healthcare problems (Office of Disease Prevention and Health Promotion, 2019). Increased disease is a common trend in Ecuador that needs attention. In conclusion, despite the global reduction in mortality and morbidity rates resulting from anti-malarial approaches, malaria is still a significant health concern (MosqueraRomero, ZuluagaIdárraga, & TobónCastaño, 2018). With your mission, to reach the poorest of the poor in developing countries to educate, heal, and empower, I believe that your specific NGO will benefit Ecuador with your help and volunteered guidance. Our country greatly needs your aid both financially and technically. We would appreciate if your NGO helps us in combating malaria by helping us with money and guidance on how to go about the thing. I have faith that you will provide the necessary resources to help control not only the problem of malaria but also other health concerns. Please do not hesitate to contact me at any time regarding these concerns. Respectfully

Did the writer use proper grammar and mechanics? Identify the errors.

The writer of the letter made some grammar errors that made the message look informal. For example, the writer wrote the words "the purpose of this letter." instead, the writer could have used "the purpose of writing this letter." In another sentence, the author also writes the words "decrease is" instead of writing "decrease in." The writer has also, in some cases, misused articles. An example of misuse of an article is when the writer wrote "the concern" instead of "a concern." Another issue that the writer needs to check on is the length of paragraphs. Some paragraphs are very long, and the writer needs to make them shorter.

Is the argument supported to provide an example? The letter organized and appropriate.

The writer tried to support their argument but did not achieve the best from it. Although the letter clearly shows that the number of malaria cases is still significant, it does not cause the inability to defeat malaria entirely. The writer did not also fully explain the effect of the disease. The letter should be showing clearly, how sickness affects the daily activities of citizens both directly and indirectly.

The letter is not well organized enough to just explain the intention of the writer. The writer majored in presenting the point of poverty in the country. The message, however, the effect and causes of the spread of malaria. Although the letter addresses a very crucial thing and is very necessary, it might not get the seriousness and attention that the issue deserves.

Are facts and assumptions well supported?

Although the letter gives practical and real issues, the writer did not adequately support the assumptions and concepts. The letter explains that malaria is a big problem in the country but is unable to give enough support to the claim. The writer does not also provide a figure of how much finance the state would need to fight the disease.

How could the letter be better?

The letter could be better if the writer could make adjustments to both the format of the message and the content. For example, the person who wrote the letter should ensure that they end the letter with a designation. Besides, the letter should point out the effects of malaria and explain how the country has become unable to fight the disease successfully. The writer also needs to check and correct all grammar and mechanism issues to make the letter more official and appealing. The message should not have problems with spelling and other grammar issues. The writer also needs to make up an excellent concluding point to end the letter to summarize the theme of writing.

References

Doherty, M. (2013). How To Write a Paper, 5th Edition. Wiley.com. Retrieved 4 July 2020, from https://www.wiley.com/en-us/How+To+Write+a+Paper%2C+5th+Edition-p-9780470672204.