May 15, 2016- Doctor Confirms That I Am Suffering From Stage IV Congestive Heart Failure
I had been suffering from a streptococcus bacterial infection for quite some time. The infection had followed an influenza infection that I contracted on a field trip to the park in January. After the trip, I started running a low fever that quickly advanced to levels of 1040 C in one week. I was put on medication whose one side effect was immunosuppression. Therefore, I was vulnerable to a host of bacterial infections. My throat was very bad, which increased my vulnerability to streptococcus infection. Unfortunately, the infection caught up with me. It became so severe that I was given the strongest antibiotics ever made. The doctors and nurses called them fourth generation antibiotics. By the time I was recovering from the bacterial infection, I started noticing that my feet, hands and legs swelled frequently. This worried me and so I decided to go for checkup. The GP referred me to a cardiologist who subjected me to several blood circulation tests. His instincts informed him that I could be suffering from something more serious, and he indicated an electrocardiographic examination for me. Electrocardiographic examination is the test that looks at how the heart is working. The outcome of the electrocardiography, also called EEG, was a bombshell that came wrecking every dream I had. I was told that I had congestive heart failure (CHF). To make the matters worse, the disease was so advanced to the fourth and the terminal stage. I was informed that I had 10 years to live at most. At this point, all hell broke loose. The remaining time of my life came right in front of me to deal with it.
May 22, 2016- The Doctor Must Have Made Mistake
I could not believe that the doctor said that I have only ten years to live. Furthermore, living for ten years meant that I would be under intensive medical care. I had to eat a controlled diet, do consistent exercises, take palliative medicine and attend motivation seminars. Any deviation from these regulations would shorten the outlook of my disease to three or five years. Of course, I did not accept that the doctor was referring to me. I told myself that he must have been giving general advice on the dangers of heart disease. Besides, heart diseases were caused by poor diet and sedentary lifestyle. I had lived a healthy life: I didnt smoke, I didnt eat sugary foods and I always jogged once a week. How comes that I was suffering from a fatal heart disease? I was ignorant that there were other causes of heart disease other than unhealthy lifestyle. I was not aware that heart diseases also affected people of my age. I always thought that heart diseases and other terminal illnesses belonged to old people, those whose children are old to fend for themselves. I thought that there was a minimum age with which somebody dies. To confirm that there were heart conditions related to infection, and that young people suffer from them, I read about what the doctor told me on the internet. I opened and read many internet pages about congestive heart failure. The information contained thereof was hard to understand, because it was presented in complicated medical terms. I did not want anyone to know about what somebody was searching for, and I could therefore not ask for help with the terms
May 29, 2016- I Must Confirm With another Doctor
After a series of unproductive internet searches, I decided to go to another cardiologist to confirm an earlier diagnosis. I decide not to tell the new doctor that I had been diagnosed with congestive heart failure. So, I let the doctor do his examination. The doctor first ordered a battery new test for me. He called the tests Liver Function and kidney function tests. He told me that he wanted to identify the cause of my swelling. The results come out after three hours. Apparently, the parameters that the doctor was querying are all responding normally. After further deliberation, the doctor asks me if I have ever felt any pain in my chest. I looked down for some time and then reluctantly answered to the affirmative. The doctor followed with other questions that eventually prompted me to reveal that I had already been diagnosed with CHF. I even opened up to him that my CHF was in the terminal stage. The doctor indicated for me yet another EEG. The EEG reproduced the results from my earlier diagnosis. The doctor confirmed for me that I was truly having end stage CHF. He told me that with good diet and positive living, I still had life to live. He encouraged me to keep my hope alive and to pray to God. He tells me of other fatal illnesses that people suffer from. He also tried to alleviate fear of dying from me by telling me that people, free of diseases, died every moment. He cited traffic accidents as one cause of death of healthy people. I came out of his office a hopeless person with a very blurred future. By this time, my whole body was soaked in sweat. My sick heart was throbbing so strong that I thought that I could not live another day. Nevertheless, I went straight home and planned how I will approach my husband with the sad news.
June 5, 2016-Why Me?
It is 5.00 AM in the morning. I could hear that birds were already awake and making melody on a tree nearby. I had spent a whole night without catching the slightest sleep. My mind is clogged with uncertainty, fear, confusion and regrets. My husband turned and yawned, signifying that he was awake. He tells me that he has a long day at work, and I should wake up to help him prepare. I switched on the bed lamp and looked at him. My eyes were swollen with both sleep and sorrow. Tears started rolling down my cheeks as I softly called his name. I have few years to live, I told him. The doctor said that my disease is very advanced, and I cannot live more than 10 years. My husband was not very shocked. Perhaps with my recent changes, he was expecting the news. He just hugged me and said no word. He covered me with the duvet, and proceeded to the bathroom.
I was left alone in the room after my husband left for work. The first thing that came in my mind was anger directed against myself. I hated myself for exposing myself to contaminated environment. I flashed back my mind and remembered how we arranged for the trip that got me infected with influenza. I felt hatred towards all colleagues that took part in the fateful trip. I also felt angered by my body. How could a microscopic organism take me to an early grave? Why couldn't my immune system fight off the bacterial infection for good? This anger took a toll on me for the better part of the day. I did not take my breakfast or lunch. At around 2.00 PM I caught sleep and woke up at 9.00 PM. I took a shower and had some food. Yet another sad day of my life was over.
June 12, 2016 - More Regret and Anger
The previous night was better. I had almost enough sleep and I woke up more cheerful. I was able to prepare my husband to work and our daughter to school. My husband was stressed by my illness but he appeared strong in spirit. He refrained from speaking about it and brought up other topics for discussion. He left for work at around 7.00 AM. Before he left the gate, I called him back for a moment. I asked him if I should inform his parents about my condition (We lived together with his parents and sister). He smiled and told me that time for that was not ripe. I bid him good bye and went back to the house. After 30 minutes, I headed to the house where my in-laws lived. After greetings, I told them that I was diagnosed with CHF and would die in ten years time. My sister-in-law revealed to me that my husband had already told them about it. I felt bouts of anger arise inside me having known that my husband was spreading news about my woes. I felt betrayed by the person I trusted the most. I was very angry and regretful that the community would begin ostracizing me. I felt that my husband was beginning to dislike me at this point in my life. I just hoped that he had not broken the news to our daughter. I went back to our living room and shut myself inside. The thought of the previous day came back to me. I thought about all the factors that led to my present condition. I felt that the whole world was betraying me. I blamed every friend and family members for my woes. I blamed my husband and his family. I blamed him for not taking me to a good hospital when I reported the very first symptom to him. I blamed his family for talking behind my back. I was angry the whole day. I regretted every pleasurable activity I had ever taken part in my life. I did not find any value in friends or family. My anger exacerbated when my husband came back home. However, I did not express it to him, since I felt that he was the only companion I had. So I kept quiet, forced smile when he cracked a joke until the day was over.
June 19, 2016 - Dealing with my woes after all, its me who is sick; it's me who will die
It is now clear to me that my condition is a problem to my community. While I complain every day of a painful organ, my husband grows sorrowful while my daughter sheds tears. Grief has befallen my family, and it is not leaving any time soon. However, these scenarios did not console me. In fact, they made the situation worse. I kept wishing that the disease goes away, so that my immediate family could be relieved. I did not want to die. I did not want to leave my husband a widower and my daughter motherless. Sometimes I wished that doctors who diagnosed me were wrong. I hoped for their call, informing me that they mistook another persons EEG report for mine. I wished that they called me to inform me that the swelling in my feet and arms was due to some parasites in my lymphatic vessels, and an antibiotic could clear them rapidly. All the time I wished that this was a bad dream that happened because I was deep asleep. I kept on looking myself at the mirror and assuring myself of how healthy I was. I assured myself that my puffy face was due to some lotion that did not auger well with my skin. Often, these wishes went away, especially when my condition was very bad. When my feet were painful, reality dawned to me. I temporarily accepted that I was indeed sick until I was well again. These recurring episodes of bargaining and acceptance persisted for quite some time. For all this time, many parts of my body were painful. My vision was declining while I became week in the legs. I started looking for an activity to keep me engaged until I joined a philanthropic foundation.
June 26, 2016- Trusting in God
I had learned from people and religious teachings that God rewards those who are faithful to him. I had also heard that God can perform a miracle that will transform ones life when we do good things to others, and especially those who are downtrodden, weak and disadvantaged. I tried to apply these teachings in the philanthropic organization that I joined. The organization was global but had it headquarters in America. I attended one of their meetings in one afternoon. I pledged my support for the organization and decided that this will be my responsibility for the remaining time of my life. When I went back home, I sat on the couch and thought about what I had just ventured into. I became convinced that I could not have done it were it not for my condition. This was just a means of self-consolation. I wanted to take part in helping people who were facing challenge in life, just like I did. Besides, I hoped that God would sympathize with me for taking a course such noble. Every day I that attended the organizations meeting was a chance for me to forget my woes for a moment and listen to that of others in different parts of the world. On one occasion, the project coordinator gave us statistics on children under five in Africa who were dying of diarrhea due to lack of access to clean water....
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