Love Does Not Come From Outside of Oneself Essay

In the past, I used to believe that love comes from outside of myself. I thought that a relationship would fill the void I felt inside of myself. That void made me feel the need to get approval and validation that I was enough. I felt an aching, bottomless pit, and empty void in my soul, and I believed that I would always be incomplete if I was not in a relationship. I ended up feeling the void with things that were not healthy for me. I latched on destructive people and refused to move away from wrong relationships. I was trying to fill that void with love from other people rather than loving myself. I know some of the relationships I had were not right and I kept moving from one relationship to another, and rarely had time to be alone with myself. I did not want to deal with the lack of self-love I had. However, I have come to learn that one has to tune inward to that void, understand where it came from, and create practices for loving oneself.

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When my last relationship ended, I was devastated and felt lost. My life lost meaning and I felt an excruciating pain. The hole in my heart was so big and I believed I would never be happy again. However, I decided that I would no longer deny the pain or try to hide it and be strong. I did not run away from the pain and I decided I would not find someone to fill that hole. I walked straight into the pain rather than drinking myself into a stupor. Letting the pain in was the best thing I did. I knew that if I was able to withstand the pain I was going through without trying to let someone else fill that emptiness and loneliness in me, I would learn to love myself. I have to admit that some of the days were unbearable and I felt lonely but I was not willing to settle for someone who was less than I deserved. By being alone, I would feel complete and whole. That loneliness made me realize that I was capable of filling my own hole. Through self-love and positive affirmations, I was able to deal with the loneliness. I learned to embrace myself and to be okay with being alone.

It is easy for people to believe in themselves when they have a section of animators. But in reality, the investment in self-love has to come from within, from nobody else. The most common mistake in self-love is to believe that one can find it in others. Some people base their self-esteem and how they feel about themselves, based on how others are attracted to them. They only feel worthy when someone loves them and cares about them. They do not realize that they are capable on their own of giving love and acceptance without needing anyone else. People are used to linking their lives to significant places or people. However, in the strict sense, you are your home.

Loving oneself is often confused with egocentrism or pride. Self-love is something that goes beyond just respecting and valuing your own dignity. Self-love is about the recognition of one's limits, virtues, and defects. Loving oneself means that in the moments of your worst falls, one will not resign him/herself to stay on the floor and live on the memories, but the person will recognize the enormous strength that lies in them to always go ahead and fight the past. It is very true that we must love ourselves to be able to do it with others. If one does not know how to love him/herself, the person will end up giving their love to people who are not worthy of love, and people who will mistreat the person. When a person loves him/herself, they will never allow themselves to be victims of manipulation, nor will the person tolerate the betrayals or abuses of other people who, by not wanting to love each other, only try to subdue with cravings for control.

When a person rejects, condemns, judges, suffers, mistreats, punishes, and declares him/herself guilty, he or she does not love him/herself. The love that the person is looking for is inside themselves, the others do not have the love that the person needs. The joy of interpersonal encounter is visible in friendly relationships, however, feeling the fortune of having yourself is the result of a journey of introspection in which you become aware of the mystery of life and the gift of time lived from your own point of view. Only through self-love can we learn to recognize our worth and, therefore, we will be able to face our problems and insecurities from a calmer perspective and inner stability.

Sadly, as a general rule, we tend to show a certain tendency not to value everything we should, which is a harmful habit for our health and our life development. However, it is something that is in our hands to change, for example, taking care of our image, sharing time with our loved ones, or doing activities that please us. If we learn to love ourselves, our self-esteem will be rewarded thanks to a solid emotional stability that will also relativize our daily difficulties. Self-love is a dam against mental suffering. Loving yourself is not only the point of reference for knowing how much you should love others, but it seems to act as a protective factor for psychological illnesses and an element that generates well-being and quality of life.

Activating all available self-esteem or loving the essentials of oneself is the first step towards any kind of psychological growth and personal improvement. And I do not mean the dark side of self-esteem, narcissism and the fascination of the ego, feeling unique, special and above others; not blind and unbridled "falling in love" with the "I" (egomania), but the genuine ability to recognize, without shame or fear, the strengths, and virtues that we possess, integrate them into the development of our lives and turn them over to others in an effective and compassionate way. Loving oneself, despising or ignoring others is pure presumption; to love others, despising oneself, is lack of self-love.

A dependent person who does not love himself/herself will cling to a relationship in an attempt to fill their broken inner world. Losing the other is terrifying, as it would confront their own inner emptiness. They will hyperactivate a damaged attachment system, which could never develop normally; that leads them to react to a break (real or imagined) with the terror of a child losing his parents. In addition, the contact with the couple, being like a drug, can suppose a whole withdrawal syndrome before the withdrawal; obsessive ideas appear, anxiety and strong depressive symptomatology. Many times, the person with dependence, will not fall in love with the real person, but the image that has been formed of that person. As soon as a person fulfills one of its requirements, it already turns over all. The other becomes someone overrated, admired. But of course, when he begins to know him better, he is no longer the person he fell in love with; "It's someone who comes to hurt me again", and the classic alternations of love and hate begin to emerge.

The dependent person is placed below in a rigidly hierarchical organization and suffers all kinds of abuse and humiliation, trying to satisfy his partner in everything. The other finds satisfaction controlling and, in the most extreme cases, crushing his/her partner. The dependent person cannot bear to be alone with him/herself. Loneliness causes anguish and discomfort, reminds them of the idea that nobody loves them. Therefore, they will be looking for plans and calling anyone to be alone, starting with the couple. On the other hand, they will feel very afraid of being without a partner. We can find people who have their whole life in the same relationship (probably in an insane balance of submission and control), but the most common is to find ourselves with a chain of unsuccessful relationships; they do not release a couple until they have another one secured, or they cling to the first person who appears after a break; Sometimes they do not find a person who wants to stay by their side and they begin a spiral of transient and promiscuous relationships, as an attempt to fill that void. A love based on needs and shortcomings will not fill the holes in your soul. Being with someone just for being alone is not going to be enough. We must look back inside. The first factor that determines a healthy relationship is none other than our own self-esteem and our personal self-knowledge.

Conclusion

Lack of self-love is the reason why so many marriages are failing today. Married people enter into affairs and then start relationships with people they are having affairs with. When a spouse is unable to fill that void, a person quickly starts looking for someone else to fill that void. The person fills that void for a short duration of time before the relationship starts wearing and tearing and the entire process repeats itself. The person ends up being left alone again and the hole grows bigger. It is impossible for anyone else to fill that void inside of you other than yourself. A healthy relationship is where one is not looking to the other person to complete them. There is this notion of self-care or loving yourself that can be seen as "selfish," but I see it as the most selfless and loving thing we can do for the world. When we are kind and compassionate to ourselves, we can fully show up like that for the world around us.